Sex before marriage

Written by: Joanne Beckley


Three purposes of sex:

1. Pleasure - Proverbs.5:15-19; Song of Solomon
2. Unity – Genesis 2:24. Not just mere contact. Both give to each other. They become united; they become one, 1 Corinthians7:1ff
3. Procreation - Genesis 1: 27-28; Psalm 127:3


1 One cannot build a strong relationship outside marriage.

1.1 Lack of love – Sex before marriage is self-seeking and self-gratifying. How does this compare with 1 Corinthians 13 ?

1.2 Lack of commitment – No total and permanent commitment. Always the nagging thought, if he or she has slept with me, who else has my partner slept with?” If they do marry, “If he or she was willing to sleep with me before we got married, how do I know my mate won’t sleep with someone else now that we are married?” Doubt and suspicion. What about jealousy?!! Learning to control your sexual impulses before you marry is a good way to help learn to control them after you marry. Note how Malachi 2:14 describes commitment.

1.3 Lack of communication – Fear and lack of security is present. Thoughts of “How do I compare with other women?” “Does he kiss and tell?” Compare this to what Christ offers to you and me, the freedom to be vulnerable, honest and open, Romans 8:38-39.

1.4 Lack of completeness – Each time you have sex with someone you leave a part of yourself with that person emotionally. You can no longer give ALL of yourself completely to the one you marry.

1.5 Most importantly – a moral reason. God clearly says to wait! In the New Testament some form of the word “fornication” is used at least 44 times, never in a good wholesome sense! Examples: Matthew 5:32; Romans.1:29.
Doesn’t God want us to have fun? God, as our loving parent, gives negative commands for our own GOOD. He wants us to experience something better!


2.1 Because God designed you and me, including our plumbing, His intentions should be considered.

2.2 The total person has four parts – the physical (our bodies), the mental (our minds, the intellect, emotion, will), the spiritual (our spirits), and the social (to belong).

2.3 In order to have a complete relationship with someone it is important to meet them on all four levels. If any level is missing, the relationship is incomplete.

2.4 The spiritual level is the vital level of a relationship being great.

2.5 How can Jesus Christ make your sex life great?

2.5.1 He offers you a package, not just one or two items. He gives you the ability to CHOOSE: to love, the strength to keep your commitment, freedom to have clear communication, AND forgiveness and power to live life successfully, John 10:10.

2.5.2 Jesus Christ came to solve the sin problem. When he died on the cross, he made the total payment for our sins, 1 Peter 2:24. The solution? Seek forgiveness and obey him!

2.5.3 Guilt can be a tremendous barrier to happiness in life. Yet a person who has been involved in premarital sex can be completely forgiven if he or she comes in obedience to Christ, Ephesians 1:7; 1 John 1:9.

2.6 Two marriage partners having growing relationships with Christ will grow closer to each other – spirit to spirit, mind to mind, body to body, legal and binding.


3.1 Gripping is designed by God to push you toward intercourse. Each new level of intimacy seems thrilling at first, but soon only a closer level brings excitement.

3.2 A small touch lights the fire – Premarital gripping can be difficult to control.

3.3 The Bible teaches us not to rob others. Starting something you know you can’t finish robs the other of joy and a clear conscience, 1 Corinthians 6:8; 1 Thessalonians 4:6.

3.4 Different couples have different limits. If you are not sure where the point of no return is, stop sooner than you think you should. Be loving but firm. Clearly state your dislikes and limits. Avoid situations that can move too quickly.

3.5 (Light a match – It is simple to blow out a small fire and VERY difficult to control a forest fire.)

3.6 Learn to say “No!” When we have a deep respect for our own worth and we have a love for the worth of others, we CAN say “No!” – but don’t say it too late! This word is only useful BEFORE you are emotionally/physically aroused!!!


4.1 None of the following arguments are valid. Time will prove this, even if you never pick up a Bible!

4.2 “Everyone is doing it.” – If everyone is sinning does this make sin right?

4.3 “Having sex before marriage is acceptable in many cultures. Morals depend on culture.” – A study of 80 civilizations through the last 4000 years noticed something impressive: Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy in moral values or to enjoy sexual freedom; the evidence is that a society cannot do both for more than one generation.

4.4 “Sex is a biological need like the need for food, air and water. When I have the impulse, why not satisfy it?” – If you have the impulse to commit murder, should you do it? “If I don’t have sex my health will be dangerously impaired.” No hospitals record a health problem of this nature!

4.5 “Sex relaxes tension.” I wonder, are both partners emotionally relaxed afterwards? Is guilt present? Hearty exercise will release tension much better.

4.6 “With modern contraceptives, there is no longer fear of pregnancy.” – There is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy! None are 100% foolproof. Venereal disease and AIDS is now as common as the flu.

4.7 “But it feels so good!” – What feels good for a few seconds or minutes may leave you feeling miserable for years – and regrets for a lifetime. Who wants to be thinking of a past sex partner while having sex with the one you are married to???

4.8 “If you don’t give me what I want, you’ll be dropped. There are plenty of others who will.” – There is no interest in caring for you. Who would want such a partner?

4.9 “I need to prove to myself and others that I’m a real man or woman.” – Real? To whom???

4.10 “I need experience so I won’t look bad on my wedding night. Besides, practice makes perfect.” – Technique is NOT as important as love, commitment and communication. Good sexual performance takes time, love and understanding.

4.11 “I need to know if we are sexually suitable before we marry.” – There is more to being suitable than whether the sexual plumbing works! If guilt is present, no act of sex is going to be totally satisfactory.

4.12 “If we are really in love, sex will deepen our relationship – and after all, we are planning on getting married!” Suspicion, fear, guilt will all be present and will actually drive you apart from each other.


The reasons for waiting until marriage to have sex also applies to NOT CONTINUING!

5 Now, you need to ask yourself these three questions:

5.1 What is your decision concerning sex outside of marriage? Write your answer here:

5.2 If your answer is “WAIT!”, what kind of commitment are you going to make? _____________________________________________________________

5.3 How are you going to protect yourself from temptation? (See 3.4.)

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